Dear Workout, It’s Not You, It’s Me: Finding a Fitness Routine That Doesn’t Feel Like Torture

 

Dear Workout,

I think it’s time we had “the talk.” You know, the one where I tell you that it’s not working out... literally. I swear, it’s not you. It’s me. You’re wonderful—so full of endorphins, muscle gains, and promises of a six-pack I’ll never actually see. But I just don’t think we’re compatible.

Look, I’ve tried. I’ve set alarms for ungodly hours, bought fancy gym clothes (that now double as pajama sets), and even attempted running—which, as it turns out, is just slow-motion suffering with extra sweat. I’ve been ghosting my gym membership so long they should file a missing person report. And let’s not even talk about that time I tried CrossFit. I still have trust issues.

But I can’t give up on fitness altogether. I know I need to move my body, get strong, and not break into a wheeze every time I take the stairs. So instead of forcing myself into another toxic relationship with burpees, I’ve decided it’s time for a fresh start.

Finding the One (Fitness Routine, That Is)

It turns out, exercise doesn’t have to be a form of medieval torture. Who knew? The key is finding something I actually enjoy—something that doesn’t make me question my life choices five minutes in. So I set off on a mission: Operation No More Workout Breakups.

1. Dancing (a.k.a. Tricking Myself into Cardio)
   Zumba? Hip-hop? Just aggressively flailing to Beyoncé in my living room? Turns out, if I’m too busy feeling like a backup dancer, I don’t even notice I’m out of breath. This is what they call “cardio without the existential dread.”

2. Hiking: Exercise with a Distraction
   Somehow, walking for miles on a treadmill feels like punishment, but put me on a trail with some trees and a scenic view? Suddenly, I’m an adventurous outdoorsy person who “just loves nature.” Bonus points if there’s a café at the end of the trail where I can reward myself with a well-earned pastry.

3. Strength Training (but Make It Functional)
   I’ve accepted that lifting weights for the sake of lifting weights isn’t my thing. But tell me I’ll be strong enough to carry all my groceries in one trip? Now I’m interested. I’m in it for the life skills.

4. Yoga: The Art of Pretending to Meditate
   Yoga seemed peaceful—until I realized holding a plank for 30 seconds was harder than any emotional burden I’ve ever carried. Still, it’s strangely addicting. Plus, I get to lie down at the end, which is my kind of workout finale.

5. Sporting Events (a.k.a. Distracted Sweat Sessions)
   Turns out, if I’m running after a ball, my brain forgets I’m exercising. Volleyball, badminton, even dodgeball—it’s like playing tag as an adult. Bonus: dodging things is an important life skill (e.g., responsibilities, awkward conversations, etc.).

The Happy Ending (For Once)

So, dear Workout, I guess I’m saying we can still be friends—just on my terms. No more forcing myself into routines that feel like a punishment. No more guilt-tripping when I choose fun over torture. Because the truth is, fitness should fit me—not the other way around.

And if all else fails, I hear power-walking to the fridge is still considered movement.